• Pope promises action over child sex abuse scandal.  Pledges to hire the best public relations firm parishioners’ money can buy.

• Octomom tells Oprah she feels like a “carnival attraction.”  In a related story – the bearded lady and the world’s smallest man plan to sue her for defamation. 

• Europe reopens airspace for flights, but the backlog of people still trying to get to Amsterdam to celebrate 4/20 day will once again cripple air travel.

• Miss America has stated that she believes there’s no reason that a lesbian shouldn’t wear the crown; male TV viewers have stated that they believe that might be the only way to get them to watch the pageant again.