TV’s Andy Rooney: Do I Have to Put Myself on the Ice Floe?

New York – Speaking from CBS studios, the ancient Sixty Minutes curmudgeon commented yesterday, “Remember when I used to talk about simple, boring as hell topics like ‘don’t you hate it when you get a piece of lint from your pocket jammed under your fingernail, and then you destroy a perfectly good paperclip trying to get it out nonchalantly when you have no intention of creating paperclip art from the bent wire to recycle it instead of feeling guilty about wasting our nation’s natural paperclip resources?’ Remember? Well, those days are gone my friends. You see, I keep waiting for the network to force me into retirement, but for some reason they keep passing me by. You'd think with budget cuts they wouldn't even be able to afford my Metamucil!"

"Last night, I really I thought I had surely earned my one-way ticket to Miami for a permanent sand nap, by telling the viewing public I had no idea who the Billboard top artists are. ‘Usher’ to me is someone who shows you to your seat in the movie theater and removes hooligans, as needed. Wait, I don’t even think they have those anymore!  That’s how all of you god damn kids can get away with texting on those brightly lit screen thingys through the whole picture. I don't know what a Justin Bieber is either and I've never heard of Lady Gaga.   I even pronounced her name 'Lady Gaaag!'  Lena Horne was my version of 'Rhianna,' up until this morning.  Actually, I haven’t enjoyed seeing a musician perform live since Scott Joplin.  But the ratings just came in from last night and they are solid.  Is this where I say WTF? I guess next week, I’ll have to pull out all the stops by telling you all that I’ve never seen ‘Dancing with the Stars,” and don’t care if Kate comes back for the finale or not as I have no idea who the hell she is."

"That’s it. Have you bought me my retirement watch yet, CBS? Damn, I’ve aged sixteen years since this morning. Heck, they’re using me in a medical research test trial for stem cell therapies just to find a way to help me get through the next week’s show."