Cheney in the Hot Seat, Almost

Former Vice-President and alleged human being Dick Cheney was hospitalized yesterday. Doctors are being vague about the reason, saying only that the five-time heart attack survivor was "experiencing discomfort."

UD contacted our confidential informant, who confided in an informative way "the real problem is we can't find it," adding "his heart, I mean." "Also," our informing confidant said, "he has a substance in his veins we can't identify, but it's definitely not blood," describing it as "thick and brown and gooey, kind of like a chocolate milkshake, only flammable."
 The prognosis is unknown.

Next of kin Darth Vader could not be reached for comment.