Some...

• The Federal government launched a criminal probe into the BP oil spill.  Aliens who had hoped to occupy this now ruined planet say they have a different kind of probe for BP in mind.

• Charlie Sheen is going to jail to menace on government time, where he’ll get to try his tough guy act out on guys named Bubba and Tyrone.  Good luck with that BTW. 

• Apologetic Sarah Ferguson told Oprah Winfrey that she only offered access to Prince Andrew for money to help a friend.  His name was Johnnie Walker.

• Heidi Montag confirmed that her freak-show grade, huge breasts still did not provide enough space between her and husband Spencer.