*Yawn* Al Gore Allegedly Commits Sexual Assault

Satire writers everywhere were struggling today over whether or not to make fun of Al Gore’s alleged sexual assault as reported by the "The National Enquirer," but most of them decided he was just too boring.

A 52-year old Portland woman who works as a massage therapist insisted Gore wanted a “happy ending” back in 2006 which she did not agree to. He also wanted a happy ending in 2000, but didn’t get that either. She never filed criminal charges but was still okay with being paid for her story.

We asked ourselves why we sat on the story all day and we decided it was because it just wasn’t believable. The woman equated Gore to a “sex crazed poodle,” which is funny because you have to imagine at that some point a poodle humped her leg. But as you can see from the photo above where we placed Gore side by side with what we assume is a sex crazed poodle, there doesn’t seem to be any resemblance. We could have taken the opportunity to make the obvious puns about him wanting to “warm her globes” or asking her to “punch his chad” of course, but again, we decided not to and almost fell asleep just thinking about it. The explanation as to why we didn't go for these obvious jokes is the only reason we believe Al Gore ever had sex is because he has children. Based upon this Google search we just conducted, nobody else thinks he has sex either.