Aqua Buddha Worship Lady Speaks!

The lady who was reportedly kidnapped by a former cool guy (but now an asshat)  known as Randy has come forward with her story of what really happened.  The woman, who still does not want her name released, stated that she and the Kentucky GOP Senate candidate and possible awful toupee wearer, Rand Paul, very simply engaged in a silly prank with some college chums.  It was a totally harmless kidnapping/pot smoking/water deity worshiping ceremony all in fun among swim teammates. 

She told the political blog Wonkette that the reason she doesn’t want her name released is because she is a clinical psychologist who works with many retired military who have become Tea Party members, and she fears for her safety if her identity becomes known and does harm to Paul’s senate campaign.

Fears for her safety?  The Tea Party is mentally unstable and potentially dangerous?  No!  It simply cannot be!  We asked one political analyst about her assertion and he told us, “Of course the Tea Party is mentally unstable.  They are voting to abolish social programs like Social Security and Medicare that many of them, being elderly, are gaining the most benefit from.  And they can’t seem to grasp that they probably received the largest tax refunds of their lives this year.  Not noticing your bank balance going up without you putting money in it = a bucket full of crazy.   As far as them being dangerous?  I don’t think so.  They’d have to haul themselves off of their lawn chairs for that which is highly unlikely.”