Resolutions: Make ‘em Early, Pay for ‘em Often

It’s really no coincidence that on New Year’s Eve television ads will be rife with promotions to help us kick bad habits. In fact, our bad habits have been the driving force behind the U.S. economy since the early 80s. One noted psychologist offered, “the human race is hard-wired to misbehave. They also have no qualms about spending money in an effort to delude themselves into believing they will clean up their acts even though usually, this behavior modification only lasts 34.5 hours.” So, for every New Year’s resolution, there’s a retailer ready to cash in. Here are some of the brands available to offer us help this year:

To lose weight: Gastrix™ Pharmaceuticals is offering a new and improved home gastric bypass kit: The Waist Whittler 2011. The new and improved kit now includes a robotic arm to reach down your throat fitted with an endoscopic camera for easy viewing of DIY stomach stapling. The camera also provides a keepsake digital video of the procedure that you can share with pals at your Superbowl party to get them to stop hogging the chicken wings.

To quit smoking: Niconix Gum is planning new and exciting flavors for their nicotine gum, replacing their original, and only moderately successful flavors like “Ashtray.”  Included are Pepticulcer-O-Mint, Orange You Glad I Quit, and Hey! I No Longer Stink Bubblegum Pink.



To get fit: 24-Hour Total Fitness Curves is going to offer club new members state of the art technology to reach their flab to fab exercise goals. Every elliptical machine will now be equipped with a projector that will create a hologram in the forefront of either super model Gisele Bundchen for the gents, or for the ladies, George Clooney, enabling them to truly make the uphill climb toward their ultimate goal*. 

*East and West coast and select liberal metropolises only. The remainder of Middle American clubs to feature holograms of Sarah Palin and that guy who played Cooter on Dukes of Hazzard.



Finally find a job: Behemoth.com will entice exasperated job hunters to fill out tons of online forms providing personal information and resulting in a deluge of unsolicited offers via email to train for new and mind-numbing careers. Behemoth members will later find new and satisfying careers as anti-spam lobbyists on Capitol Hill.