Who Would Jesus Let Get Away with Using the Word “Retard?” Or, Will Sarah Be a Stand-up Gal?
Asshat White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel called a group of liberal activists “f-in' retarded” last summer for presenting poorly conceived attack ads on healthcare reform directed at conservative Democrats. When the news broke recently, former Governor Sarah Palin called for Emanuel’s ouster for his “slur on all God’s children with cognitive and developmental disabilities.”
Now we can never know for sure what Emanuel’s intent was, but we are assuming that he was advising those who have their heads so far up their own asses that they could check their fillings for mercury, to at least check their facts before presenting their views. Emanuel has apologized for his outburst, as he will continue to do for the next three years for having no filter over his mouth, but what about Sarah’s pal Rush Limbaugh? Limbaugh claimed that Emanuel’s remarks made it a free bonus opportunity to act like a dick, regurgitating his comments with these remarks yesterday to delight his audience:
LIMBAUGH: Our political correct society is acting like some giant insult’s taken place by calling a bunch of people who are retards, retards. I mean these people, these liberal activists are kooks. They are loonie tunes. And I’m not going to apologize for it, I’m just quoting Emanuel. It’s in the news. I think their big news is he’s out there calling Obama’s number one supporters f’ing retards. So now there’s going to be a meeting. There’s going to be a retard summit at the White House. Much like the beer summit between Obama and Gates and that cop in Cambridge.
Sarah is no stranger to Limbaugh’s broadcast bile fests and has called into his show before. Shouldn’t she call and demand an apology from Rush as well? You can’t have it both ways, Barbie. Our political leaders believing we can have it both ways is what has created our mess in the first place. They will never work together at the rate they are going now. We can, however, demand they don’t behave like asshats. Limbaugh, of course, spewing all hatred, all the time, IS mentally disabled, and perhaps that’s why he keeps getting a free pass. The technical term for his illness is “dicktard.”
Update: Palin's spokesperson, via email, claims she found Limbaugh's remarks rude and demeaning. Via email...through a spokesperson. Say it on camera , sweetheart.
Glenn Beck Apologizes to TV Viewers
And America responded! Beck was so flooded with calls and e-mails from Americans offering forgiveness that he offered the following further apologies: "I also apologize for my entire existence, which has been a waste of time, not only for my audience, but also my parents, who now realize my entire upbringing expenses were wasted too." The famous rodeo clown continued, "In addition, I further apologize for the wastage of molecules which make up my body, which could be holding up a bridge somewhere, or be being sprinkled on a quesadilla at a Crapplebees." The fabulous nincompoop finished, "Lastly, to all the people in the world, in case I took a breath of air that you otherwise might have breathed: sorry!"
God to Limbaugh: STFU
Limbaugh made this comment in response to President Obama’s dismissive tone when the Earth didn’t open up and swallow him whole after his signing of the health care bill.
The Almighty stated, “you have to take the good with the bad when it comes to this job. There are certain things I love to take credit for creating, like nature, pizza and the iPhone, but there others I wish I didn’t have to own up to, like Limbaugh, for example. I don’t have the time to analyze what’s going on underneath those fat folds and inside his thick cranium. Why would I make Iceland suffer for something that happened in the U.S.? Isn’t it enough that I made their climate so bizarre that it makes their citizens want to get drunk 24/7? Why the hell would I object to President Obama’s efforts to help me heal people? Do you know how many prayers I have sitting in my in-box I have yet to answer? And, wouldn't I have a volcano erupt in the U.S. if I were really that petty? Mt. St. Helens is probably over due. Or, I could have caused an earthquake on Pennsylvania Avenue with the snap of my fingers. But I suppose to consider that Mr. Limbaugh would need to use logic. I hate it when man doesn’t use the gift of reason I so graciously gave him. I probably should have just made Rush a garden slug. Perhaps it’s time to plague him with throat polyps? I’ll put it on my to-do list.”
Glenn Beck Apologizes for Being Himself - AGAIN
On Thursday, in an attempt to make America realize that the oil spill disaster hit very close to home, President Obama repeated a question from daughter, Malia. She asked him, "Did you plug the hole yet, Daddy?"
Glenn Beck, the conservative simpleton comedian, found her remark to be an indication of being poorly educated and chose to make fun of her on his radio show, and even decided to go off on an unrelated tangent and portray the Obama’s as racist. WTF?
Only a day before, Beck was telling his radio audience to leave Sarah Palin’s kids alone, leave the Bush twins alone, even *gasp* leave CHELSEA CLINTON alone. But it’s okay to declare open season on the Obama kids? Now who’s a racist?
We were confused. How does Beck still have a job when he can't even remember what he said on the air one day before and subsequently makes himself look like a blithering moron? Is he suffering from a brain hemorrhage? Nah, that only happens to celebrities who aren't ignorant dicks.
We asked one media analyst to comment on Beck's obvious mental handicap and he told us, “it was out of line and totally inappropriate. Beck has since apologized, but I believe if his audience wants to pride themselves as being educated people, they should tell him it’s too little, too late by tuning out. I don’t understand how any media outlet can keep him on the air in good conscience. Especially when one is to consider that even if the Obama children had plastic bags tied over their heads to cut off oxygen for several minutes after birth, they still would very likely be better educated and more informed than Beck. And as far as plugging holes – his pie hole being plugged should be the biggest concern. My apologies to sea creatures in the Gulf.”
God to Limbaugh: LOL
Limbaugh stated on his radio show that the devastating oil spill was a result of sabotage by “environmentalist whackos,” in some sort of "message" to the drilling advocates on Earth Day.
The Almighty stated, “well, at least he didn’t accuse me of trying to wipe out living creatures in Louisiana and Mississippi. The federal government already does a bang-up job of that. Don’t worry, there’s a special place in Hell reserved for them. I hear Satan’s already got an entire wing reserved just for the Bush and Cheney families. But I happen to know that people who are trying to save wildlife wouldn't kill it. That would be too ironic and I didn't give those people a sense of irony when I created them. And I apologize that I haven’t gotten around to plaguing Rush with throat polyps yet. My bad. But between leading little girls out of Florida swampland unscathed among a multitude of other tasks, I’m pretty busy. So, I suppose I’m going to have to ask you followers to just stop listening to Limbaugh’s show, because if you recall, I’m not a fan of liars. Or, if anyone knows a person on his staff, please feel free to convince them to put Drano in his coffee. I'll vouch for them at the pearly gates."
UPDATE: News is breaking that Halliburton is likely to blame for the disaster. Dick Cheney is definitely going to Hell. Like there was any doubt?
Jennifer Aniston is Destroying America
Moral authority and intermittent sexual harasser, Bill O’Reilly, has called the 41-year-old actress on the carpet for sending a destructive message to teenagers. He complained, "Hey you don't need a guy. You don't need a dad. That is destructive to our society!" O'Reilly then dared Aniston to come on his show and defend her statement. "If she wants to explain, she can get her butt right in here."
Another FOX News contributor, who chose to speak anonymously, told us, “I used to think the worst threat to America was the Mexicans stealing our jobs. I also thought that our government taxing us all into the poorhouse was bad. But this Aniston thing is a worse threat. Even WORSE than gay marriage! I mean, it’s bad enough to make young girls feel badly about their self-image because the don’t have a trainer they can work out with 8 hours a day to have washboard abs and can’t subsist on just glacier water and still concentrate in class. And now she’s telling them it’s the hip and modern thing to be a single mom? American teenage girls can’t afford to go to a fancy clinic to get impregnated with a turkey baster baby! Although, I suppose one way they could conceive a child without the hassle of a relationship commitment is to date Levi Johnston.”
Limbaugh Suggests Schools Offer “Dumpster Diving: 101”
Limbaugh believes he knows exactly why 16 million American school kids will go hungry this summer and it has nothing to do with celebrity chef Jamie Oliver trying to feed them broccoli. Limbaugh insists poverty is not the reason either – it’s because kids can’t find their refrigerator or even the local McDonald’s.
Limbaugh’s theory about why kids are hungry was in response to news that government subsidized school lunches will no longer be available come this summer. Generous person that he is, Rush claimed he would do a daily feature on where to find food on his radio show so the children wouldn’t starve.
He stated, “If you kids can’t find food, my first suggestion would be try your house. There’s a thing called a refrigerator and there’s probably bacon in that. In a cupboard you might find HoHo’s, Twinkies, Lipitor, and if you want a vegetable, try ridgey Lays potato chips or Funyuns. You could also hitchhike to your local McDonalds and check their dumpster for leftover Happy Meals.”
We asked one school administrator if Limbaugh’s suggestions could really be helpful in the dietary budget shortfall and she told us, “well, his suggestions of what to eat would probably not only cause childhood obesity, but also attention deficit disorder, thus increasing the need for bringing back P.E. and having more special ed classes, only adding to our schools’ already strained finances. However, it’s really a moot point as he's under the false assumption that impoverished kids would ever actually tune into his radio show.”
CNN’s Rick Sanchez Doesn’t Like Being Employed
Ingrate Sanchez told radio host Pete Dominick yesterday that the “Daily Show” host Jon Stewart was a bigot, and that the Jews like him run all of the media. He also compared Stewart and his alleged elitist attitude to his own bosses at CNN. It’s true. While there are talented, highly qualified journalism students in universities across America whose only opportunity to speak into a microphone after graduation will be at a McDonald’s, Rick Sanchez wants to bite the hand that feeds him.
Unsolicited Drivel asked one media analyst for comment on the latest Sanchez gaffe and he told us, “Sanchez also commented that Jon Stewart, probably one of the more noticeably well-read hosts on TV, was uninformed! I don’t get that. Of course, we're talking about the same guy who didn’t think volcanoes existed in colder climates and thought nothing of referring to Barack Obama as the ‘cotton-picking’ president. What really troubles me about this latest incident is that it makes me have to agree with Glenn Beck – Rick Sanchez is the dumbest guy on TV.”
UPDATE: Dumb-ass was FIRED probably as I was writing this post. Look for him to show up on Fox, I guess.
Click Here for Glenn Beck's Rally to Restore Honor (Slideshow).
We caught a LOT of flack from readers over this post claiming we were "race obsessed." We just reported what we saw and what we heard, e.g., one cabbie saying, "DC hasn't seen this many white people since 1776." We have no issue with the color of anyone's skin, we only have issue with people who behave like ignorant f*!kwits. This was another one of those completely surreal days in DC...it was eerily like the Fox News version of Jonestown.
Jon Stewart More Influential Than Glenn Beck?
Really? Unsolicited Drivel asked one professor of media studies from the University of Irony for an opinion who told us, “You have to do serious research and have a vast amount of background knowledge to do satire, otherwise it’s not relevant. Audiences realize that when they are watching Jon Stewart, they will not be subjected merely to the opinions of a hack. In fact, I’d have to define those who offer solely opinions, like Glenn Beck, to personify the definition of ‘hack.’ I’d like to think that even with under-funded schools, most Americans are still smart enough to tell the difference. I hope this Saturday will be proof of my theory and will lead to an election day that won’t be merely an exercise of which candidate manipulates emotions the best.”
Click HERE for our slideshow from the Stewart/Colbert rally on 10/30!
Ballistic Behar Helps Angle Raise $150k for Campaign
New York - Talk show host Joy Behar had a banner day yesterday, raising money for Nevada Tea Party Candidate (and possible snake handler) Sharron Angle. Angle ran a very negative commercial about illegal Mexican immigrants causing “The View” co-host to declare her a “bitch” and predict that Angle is going to Hell.Behar arrived back on set at her show this morning to find a “Thank You” note along with a pricey floral arrangement from Angle claiming that her rant enabled her to raise $150,000 in campaign donations. A disgusted Behar made plans to donate the flowers to Sloan Kettering hospital and also donate money to the charity God’s Love We Deliver in Angle’s name. Not to be outdone in being liberal and open-minded (girlfriends!) Whoopi Goldberg pledged to match Behar’s donation.
As if it’s not bad enough that the ladies of “The View” are raising Bill O’Reilly’s ratings, we wondered why they would give a discussion of complete crackpot like Sharron Angle air-time as well. Unsolicited Drivel spoke with our usual anonymous media analyst who told us, “Well, this mid-term election is one of the more hot-button issues in recent memory due to its exposing much ugliness about America, like racism for example, which had been swept under the carpet in recent years. Joblessness is also a major issue in this election. Of course, as whites will be a minority in only one generation from now, there’s hope that racism may finally go away. If it doesn’t, at least joblessness will be decreased a bit as we’ll need plenty of workers to clean up bigots' brain matter once their heads start exploding when they realize they are in the minority. In a perfect America, neither problem would be an issue and the ladies of ‘The View’ could go back to doing what they do best - discussing hormones.”
Keith Olbermann: 1, MSNBC: 0
MSNBC President, Phil Griffin released a statement late Sunday:
"After several days of deliberation and discussion (and being letter-bombed almost as often as John Boehner by unemployed Americans) I’ve determined that suspending Keith through and including Monday night's program is an appropriate punishment for his violation of our policy. We look forward to having him back on the air (so I’m not the most-hated man on Facebook – other than John Boehner) Tuesday night."
During "The Great Keith Embargo of 2010," many public figures rallied behind him and the debate about what delineates a “journalist” and a “commentator,” became an issue. Everyone knows that Olbermann can string sentences together (particularly if they involve baseball), so he can obviously be considered a journalist. So, with that being said, we move on to the task of delineating between a news organization and a political organization.
Unsolicited Drivel checked in with our usual media analyst about the controversy who told us, “Well, very simply, journalists report news. MSNBC reports news, even if there is a not very thinly veiled opinion offered on events. Organizations whose primary goal is to manipulate emotions merely for financial gain, like Fox, are NOT news organizations. They do have the ability to make news, however, when one of their crazy-ass viewers goes off the rails because of some bullshit lie they put on the air.”
*Hey, if Elton John can constantly recycle “Candle in the Wind,” why can’t we (with Yoko’s permission, of course) rewrite “Give Peace a Chance?”
Tucker Carlson Would Have Put Michael Vick to Sleep
For you cat people reading, Vick is the disgraced former Atlanta Falcons quarterback, now with the Philadelphia Eagles, who served prison time for running a notoriously inhumane dog fighting ring. President Obama’s recent “thank you” to the Eagles’ coach for giving Vick a second chance has thrust this very dark part of the NFL’s history back into the harsh spotlight.
While we can scratch our heads about the President’s gesture all day long, as is typical, Carlson followed the Fox doctrine to a “t’ by making it seem like a personal attack on all Americans. We can all go sleepy, sleepy now and dream of a President who is “beyond the pale.” Hey, is that some sort of racist crack?
We didn’t think it appropriate for cable TV pundits to be judge, jury and executioner for Americans, even if they are hideously evil dicks, so we checked with our media analyst for comment on Carlson.
U.D.: “Good morning, unnamed media analyst. Why do you think about Tucker Carlson's comments about Michael Vick?”
Media Analyst: “We can argue about Michael Vick’s second chance until we are out of breath. As someone who enjoys animals more than people, I could have easily let my entire family holiday be ruined over the subject matter with the NFL fans in my clan. If I was an irresponsible pundit on an emotionally manipulative network like Fox, I do admit I’d have restrain myself from encouraging my viewers to do the exact same thing to Michael Vick that he did to those dogs. But I have worked in journalism and Fox is entirely opinion. Since we are examining opinions, I’m quite shocked that Carlson’s able to even get work. Between being ignorant enough to think he could go toe to toe with Jon Stewart intellectually, and sending fake emails posing as Keith Olbermann, it’s really beyond me how he’s on the air. My guess is that Fox just needed someone to fill in for Hannity that they could feel their audience would be comfortable with – a guy with a full head of hair who was in favor of the death penalty.”
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