Tired of Hiding – Bin Laden Considers Switching from Terrorist to Rapist

Probably in Pakistan – After hearing about the speedy arrest of alleged sexual offender, WikiLeaks’ Julian Assange, Osama bin Laden admitted today that he’s tired of cave living and that after nine years of scraping bat guano off of himself, he might not mind a clean orange jumpsuit at this point.

The terrorist mastermind stated, “Let us to be real, the U.S. government is never going to find me – a hulking, swarthy man who looks like a Sasquatch in a bed sheet.  But somehow, the authorities are able to very quickly find that WikiLeaks’ Assange, a man so white he may even be a ghost?  It is to be like some kind of bad joke.  I no longer have the energy to rant and rave about infidels on camera with just one kidney and there’s no outlet in this cave to plug in the dialysis machine.  Perhaps if I am to become, how you say, a date rapist, I will be quickly apprehended and get the hell out of this hole?  We don’t even get satellite here.  Then, when the Americans are to catch me, I can still further my terrorist plot to bankrupt the United States economy by making them pick up the tab for my health care while I sit on death row awaiting appeal.  Do you perhaps know any virgins?”