Republicans Backtrack on Okaying Rape

Washington, DC – After receiving a great amount of pressure, GOP lawmakers have agreed to remove the phrase “forcible rape” from their abortion bill, knocking them out of competition, at least temporarily, in an “evil-off” with Satan.

Politico is reporting that Rep. Chris Smith (R-NJ), offered to change the language of the bill after GOP lawmakers faced harsh criticism from women’s advocacy groups and comedian Jon Stewart, who pointed out for the entire world yet again, what total and complete douche-bags they were.  Instead of “forcible rape” they will return to using the original language from the Hyde Amendment.

Unsolicited Drivel spoke with one K-Street insider about the GOP's turnaround who told us, “It certainly was a hot-button issue and I’ve never seen the Republicans clam up like that before.  This revision in language is really going to cramp the style of date rapists as well.  So, I guess we’ll figure out come reelection time when campaign coffers are down exactly which Republican candidates were taking money from the lobbyists representing the pharmaceutical companies that make Rohypnol, (GHB) and Ketamine Hydrochloride.”