Buckingham Palace –
Today’s Meredith Vieira started reporting live from Buckingham Palace this morning to build viewers’ excitement for Friday’s royal wedding, but media analysts believe the on location reporting will not be enough to draw the viewers the network is counting on because America just doesn’t give a crap.
Early numbers suggest the show was a ratings failure aside the network projections, and one insider at NBC told us, “I don’t get it, really. We had Meredith do a segment about the royal jelly molds and both of the finished gelatin desserts looked like they were topped with nipples. And, they were spiked with liquor. The royal jelly-ologist even used the phrase ‘the joy of jellies’ in the segment. Nipples, liquor, jelly!?! Were did we go wrong?”
The marriage of Prince William and Kate Middleton (hailing from the picturesque country village of Pennypunchinghole or wherever) is supposed to be the “Wedding of the Century” even though the century just started. So why doesn’t America want to tune in? We asked some readers:
“It’s Kate Beckinsale Prince Whatever’s marrying, right? Is she going to wear a leather cat suit? We might stop drinking in time Thursday night to wake up at 4am to see that. Maybe. But if the chicks at the bar get drunk enough to start singing Karaoke
all bets are off."
"The only princesses we’re interested in are computer-generated, and unrealistically-beautiful-beyond-belief emaciated chicks that show up on the screen in 3-D at the multiplex! Of course, just like Kate, they’ll have to be subservient to their princes and lose all semblance of a personality once they get hitched too, so maybe we'd like to watch."
"All we know is that we wouldn’t take kindly at all to dipping into any amount of our hard-earned money to pay for security for a wedding like that here in America. Fortunately for us, we only have media whores who think they are royalty over here. But in reality, they are just rich bitch skanks."
"I stopped caring about the British aristocracy once I got laughed out of the break room this morning by trying to emulate them by wearing a fake ascot I bought at Wal-Mart. Commoners can be so cruel."
"Royal what? STFU and leave me the hell alone already, okay? I can’t believe I got through all of my deliveries yesterday and you keep asking me questions that make me feel like I’m gonna hurl."
"We can’t get married ourselves in America, so the thought of a royal couple that are merely figureheads who will be living off of the back’s of taxpayers reminds us a bit too much of the rich bastards in politics who have denied our rights here at home. Sorry TV news, but we won’t be watching. But if it was a segment of “Today Plans a Wedding” with formerly closeted gay republicans coming out to get hitched while walking down the aisle with a wide stance, that would be a different story."
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