GOP Votes Against Raising Debt Ceiling, Simultaneously Lowers “Like, Duh!” Ceiling

Washington, DC – Despite Congress having voted to raise the debt ceiling 10 times in the last decade without a public spectacle, the GOP voted last night against letting the U.S. raise its debt above $14.3 trillion, paving the way for the country to start defaulting on its loans as soon as August 2nd.

Living to contradict themselves, Republicans rejected their very own proposed $2.4 trillion debt limit increase to pay for a budget deficit that they caused during the Bush administration,  and did so very likely in favor of balancing the budget with tactics like privatizing Medicare.

The vote Tuesday night was far from the two thirds majority needed to keep investors from putting U.S. Treasury bonds into a paper shredder and/or jumping off an office building at only 97-318.

One freshman congressman from a very conservative red state who refused to be named (for obvious reasons) told Unsolicited Drivel, “Ya’ll know we can take on no more debt without balancing the budget, but I’m kind of surprised that our ideas for balancing it now include proposing to kill Grandma by kicking the shit out of the affordability of Medicare.  I thought we left killing our country’s seniors up to Democrats with their Obamacare, and we Republicans just stuck to killing foreigners who don’t like our brand of freedom.  I ain’t looking forward to those Chinese calling in our debts come August and everybody here being named Chang in the future neither.  It’s bad enough to think that with all them there illegals that we were leaning toward everybody here being named Garcia or Sanchez someday not too far down the road.  I tell ya,  I’m really getting tired of our party showing its true colors so damn easy and letting middle America know how we don’t care about nobody ‘cept the rich.  Makes it tough to get re-elected without being totally corrupt and I'm still a God fearin' man!”