Our Helpful Hester’s Back With Holiday Shopping Survival Tips!

I don't suck.

Black Friday turned out to be pretty good for American retail businesses, with 1 out of 3 Americans, the largest amount every recorded, hitting the pavement to get the best possible holiday bargains, have mob-induced hypertension, and hopefully avoid being stomped to death or pepper sprayed. Hi, Unsolicited Drivel's Household Helper Hester here with the following tips for surviving the crowds, avoiding crass-commercialism-induced-cynicism, and getting the best toys for your tots or significant-other-who-acts-like-a-tot.

PARKING: The trick here is to wear comfortable shoes. Just accept the fact that the only open spot is going to be the last slot in the last row and that's only if you pull in head first so that Porsche up ahead with the turn signal on can't back into it first. Allow 20 minutes to get from the car to the front entrance to the mall, assuming you can see it from where you park.

SALVATION ARMY SANTAS WHO HANG OUT AT THE ENTRANCE TO STORES: The only way to deal with these guys without experiencing terrible guilt is to give them some money. But you don't have to give a lot. I suggest you keep $10 in ones in a shirt pocket or other easily reachable location and give a luxurious $1 to each faux-santy you encounter. It's best to give when entering when your arms are empty. BONUS TIP: when coming out of the store, they hit you up again. Whether or not you gave anything, always say "I hit you on the way in" and march grimly ahead.

BARGAINS: The only real bargains are the crap on the tables by the entrances and cash registers. Everything else is marked up. For God's sake didn't you know that? You may not like the crap on the tables, but it's your best chance to get a cheap copy of Karl Rove's "Guide to a Happy and Fulfilled Spiritual Life," an Atari videogame set, or a toxic Chinese knock off of Tickle-Me-Elmo.  And if you are really bored, don't forget to move Bill O'Reilly's new book to the "douche" section assuming you are in a Wal-Mart.

THE CROWDS: Carry an umbrella with the pointy end forward and apologize to all the people who you poke to get out of the way. It's rude, but you'll get through faster.  And if someone tries to trample you, they might very well lose an eye first.  Happy Cyclops Christmas sucka!

THE CHECKOUT: Just remember the checkout rule: If you intend to pay with a credit card the machine will be down. If you intend to pay with a check, they will be the one store that doesn't take checks. Or they'll require a DNA sample for proper ID.   Always have at least two ways to pay in case one of them doesn't work. I prefer to carry around a small bag of exotic gems, and/or opiates I bought off of the Internets to barter with,  but that's just me.

AND FINALLY: F*CK SHOPPING IN STORES: Buy it all online!! Happy holidays!!!

- All My Best, Hester!