Rep. Michele Bachmann: Nobody Gets Wrong More Right
Washington, DC - While Republican Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann plans to fly out to Iowa today to pledge to help farmers shuck corn this summer, a Pulitzer Prize winning publication has pointed out that when it comes to getting things right, nobody but Michele gets it wrong more often.
As the second term congresswoman has presidential aspirations for some reason, PolitiFact reported that Bachmann had made more false statements than any other political official. Their editor told Minnesota Public Radio, "We have checked her 13 times, and found seven of her claims to be false and six have been found to be ridiculously false.”
Unsolicited Drivel caught up with an aide in Bachmann’s office for comment about the controversy who told us, “journalists should quit their whining already as she’s keeping plenty of their fact-checkers gainfully employed in a dying industry. She can put that on her job creation record, you know. Besides, it’s just an oversight. I believe that Michele had any idea that that facts were involved in getting elected to political office, she never would have run for Congress the first place. As to where she gets her facts? I’m not sure. I can only surmise they come from the voices in her head she’s always yammering about.”
Michele Bachmann Would Have Wisconsin to Homeschool Its Kids
Washington, DC - Appearing on Fox News (because its much safer to the spout crazy than on the GMA) this afternoon, Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) dragged up the unpleasant memory of President Reagan firing striking air traffic controllers, implying Wisconsin might want to follow suit in regard to their protesting teachers.
Teachers have been calling in sick this week to protest as a result of Republican Gov. Scott Walker's budget proposal in which he insists the only way to battle a fictional deficit, is to strip the negotiating rights of the public unions allowing them only to negotiate for higher salaries, but no longer for any improvement to health insurance or retirement benefits. Despite there being plenty of evidence to the contrary in the form of thousands of protesters, Bachmann was insistent that the people of Wisconsin were behind the legislators, not the protesters, and criticized the White House for being supportive of the teachers.
So, in review - a potential candidate for the 2012 presidential race has clearly stated that she sides with the government, not the people with the potential to cast a ballot in her favor. The same BIG government she’s constantly railing against. Unsolicited Drivel caught up with one Wisconsin resident for comment on the Minnesota Congresswoman’s remarks. He offered, “Boy, she sure likes to trot out those Reagan analogies! Doesn’t she know delusional people stopped celebrating the GOP saint’s birthday two weeks ago? I can’t believe she would want to FIRE teachers. What does she want us to homeschool our kids? Wisconsin’s working parents can't stay home and educate their kids when they’re struggling to put food on their tables as it is! That might work in Bachmann’s district in Minnesota though, as it has the highest unemployment rate in hers.
LensCrafters to Michele Bachmann: What, Are You Blind?
LenCrafters, the fine folks who bring you a reasonable facsimile of your eyeglass prescription in just an hour, are none too pleased that Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) used their name to make a comparison in a recent speech.
The Tea Party’s self-proclaimed superstar told a captive audience of possible dunces, "The executive director of Planned Parenthood in Illinois said they want to become the LensCrafters of big abortion in Illinois."
In an ironic twist, we must also point out that CNN has reported that Planned Parenthood Illinois CEO Steve Trombley actually said in 2008, "I like to think of Planned Parenthood as the LensCrafters of family planning.”
But despite the fact that neither Trombley’s or Bachmann’s comments made much sense, LensCrafters still did not appreciate the comparison.
One disgruntled rep for the speedy eyeglass maker told us, “Ms. Bachmann is using our name without our knowledge, or our permission. Plus, she’s got crazy eyes. We don’t want our customers to affiliate us with that mentally unhinged look. And I have no idea what the Planned Parenthood reference means. They provide a wide variety of women’s health services and we just make glasses. And order contacts. Unless, maybe is it because they can guarantee abortions in just an hour? Whatever. I just hope neither one of them expects us to honor their coupons.”
The Best of Michele Bachmann: Presented by Sheep
Tea Party and GOP presidential hopeful Michele Bachmann has GOT to be crazy if she thinks the media (come on, Keith Olbermann!) won't have a field day with all of the government subsidies she's received over the years. I won't count the foster children stipends, but between her family farm and her Christian "mental health" clinic, she's received quite a chunk of change from her sworn enemy Uncle Sam. Below are some doozies of comments she's let loose that I find the craziest. I chose sheep for obvious reasons. Plus, a chicken with its head cut off would be gross. Enjoy.
      Fox News Host Sorry He Equated Bachmann to a Flake  Wallace was alluding the Congresswoman was a flake because she continues to say the darndest things in public, but Bachmann would offer no further (goofy) comment on Wallace’s accusation other than to refuse to answer his question based upon him being an unprofessional dick. Wallace has since apologized for his gaffe, but it doesn’t look like Bachmann is willing to accept his apology. Wallace’s behavior did seem unprofessional to us too and we reached out to Fox News for comment. One behind the scenes staffer told us, “Of course, the simplest explanation is that Chris was still shell-shocked by the Jon Stewart interview and thought of Bachmann as just another comedian. Which she kind of is as she’s running on her non-accomplishments after never drafting any significant legislation in Congress and her district in Minnesota having still having one of the highest unemployment rates. Or maybe Chris just misspoke. Like for instance, if he was thinking about the 23 foster children that Bachmann claims to have raised, many of whom were only in her care for just days or weeks, maybe what Chris meant to say was “are you a fake?” Yes. I think that’s the most likely explanation.
We Have Rep. Michele Bachmann’s Doctor’s Note
Washington, DC – GOP presidential contender Congresswoman Michele Bachmann released a doctor’s note yesterday to squash the rumors that she becomes “incapacitated” with headaches.
Many in the media were trying to cause chaos for her campaign by reporting the notion that Bachmann would be unfit for the office of President of the United States if she spent much of her day on a fainting couch.
Unsolicited Drivel obtained a scan of the document from the attending physician for our readers to decide for themselves and here it is below:
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Bachmann to Perry: Jesus Would NEVER Have Vaccinated for HPV
Perry came under fire from all of the GOP candidates (who are starting to make the idea of a reanimated corpse of Richard Nixon look good for 2012) over his mandate for all Texas adolescent girls to be vaccinated to protect against cervical cancer and to load his campaign war chest with money from Merck Pharmaceuticals.
Being very careful not to imply she actually believes in a woman’s right to choose what to do with her own body, Bachmann claimed that Jesus, the same Jesus who told her to run for President, would never have insisted on vaccinating for a virus that was caused by promiscuity*. She concluded Jesus believed in abstinence and she believed Jesus had never even gotten busy with anyone himself, and six grade girls shouldn’t be getting busy until it was time to submit to their husbands after junior high. Bachmann also insisted that Perry stood to gain financially from the mandate of the drug by lining his pockets with much more money than she’d been able to line her own pockets with courtesy of the Federal Government.In conclusion, she stomped her foot, turned and exited stage left to have her husband Marcus fluff her hair. Marcus also gave Michele credit for not pointing out to America what is painfully obvious - Jesus hates Rick Perry and sent fire to Texas when Perry prayed for rain.
Perry insisted between more smirks and 'Yippe ki yays' than in the last debate (at least until Jeb Bush throws his Stetson into the race) that he only ever received a $5,000 campaign contribution from Merck and that if Bachmann believed that he could be bought for such a piddling amount, the little lady really needed to take a refresher course on the concept of “crony capitalism." And in concluding his defense, Perry let out a "Yee Haw!”
*It’s in the Bible. See for yourself.
Michele Bachmann Will Not Let Poo-free Meat Stand in the Way of Job Creation
Des Moines, IA - Even though GOP presidential hopeful Michele Bachmann is being slaughtered in the polls by a rootin', tootin’, executin’ cowbody, it’s not enough to stop her from keeping American jobs safe for cattlemen despite the threat of E. coli.
While posing next to a slab of meat that would make Rocky Balboa groan, she told reporters, “These food safety regulations are part of the problem in preventing job creation and have become the overkill. The stricter they get, the more jobs they take away. From everyone on the cattle farm, to the slaughterhouse, to the fine people at the Burger King, and even the cardiac specialists who work in the hospital emergency room. America can’t stand to lose any more jobs in this economy and that’s just what the FDA has planned for us. That’s why from this day forward, I hope you will join me in my stalwart efforts to pray the E. Coli away. And remember, always cook your contaminated meat patties to a full 165 degrees. Unless you're serving them to Rick Perry.”
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