Hurricane Sandy Forces Suri Cruise to Live Near Nerds

What in the name of Xenu?!?

New York, NY - Self-proclaimed Queen of all celebrity tots, Suri Cruise, was forced to leave her luxury apartment in Chelsea this week due to Hurricane Sandy, and move to a hotel…UPTOWN!

The six-year-old pending fashionista told us, "About 8:30 Monday night we lost power and I had to resort to looking at myself in the mirror by my pink flashlight! Can you believe that? I know it doesn't look like it would matter to my mom Katie if she could bathe or groom, but it certainly matters to me! So, I'm like even though we live in one of the hippest 'hoods in Manhattan let's bail. Even the Starbucks were closed! Then Katie goes and moves us to a hotel on the upper East Side. I mean, what the heck? I don't swear by the way.  I'm too cool for a potty mouth.  Didn't that communist Alec Baldwin live on the upper East Side before he started banging a yoga instructor half his age downtown? Plus there are women here who look…are you sitting down?……MATRONLY!!!  I can't wait to get back to Chelsea where they gays are like my ladies-in-waiting and are nearly wetting themselves to see what I wear to school each day!"