|Come for the delicious beetles; stay for the floggings!|
Snowden, currently hiding in a Russian airport like Tom Hanks did in the movie The Terminal, has stated he wants to leave the airport because there is no one there who looks like Catherine Zeta-Jones even though Russian President Vladimir Putin has offered to let him see him shirtless.
A press secretary for Turdmanistan’s President Gurbangalangajoud Mahmoudsudoko told Unsolicited Drivel, “We know our president is not as brutal a dictator as say, the late master hater Moammar Gaddafi, or as snappy a dresser. In fact some days it’s hard to get him to wear something fancier than a moth-eaten Whitney Houston t-shirt and the same old stinky flax drawstring pants when he bends toward Mecca to pray, and he’s really not quite as repressive as he should be. Naturally, our people are starving and pretty much have only dung beetles to eat. But as far as violence is concerned, the president basically just sticks to having our citizens self-flog themselves for his entertainment with a camel-riding crop. Therefore, I fear our only chance to buy a pop star with no morals on the level of Jennifer Lopez to sing at his birthday party is if we offer this American spy a place to crash. That is, unless you believe this Ms. Lopez thinks Snowden is a traitor? Do you know? Well in case you are aware of J-Lo's any negative feelings, or Beyonce's too for that matter, do you by any chance have Ke$ha’s phone number? I'm pretty sure she has no thoughts about America's privacy one way or another.”