Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Five BIG Questions About Obama’s State of the Union Address

As his approval rating approaches an all time low, and health care reform seems farther away than treatment in an emergency room, Barack Obama will have to clearly bring his agenda to the American people tonight.  While there are many questions that remain regarding his plans, we will focus on these five.

1. Can he reclaim the title of “Changer in Chief?”
Obama was elected by the American people on the campaign of "hope" and "change."  However, we had no idea his hope would be to change the Democratic Party by doing a “spine-ectomy,” thus forcing bipartisanship to the degree of making them a non-entity.  It takes a special man to make Democrats even less effective.  It’s just not quite what we had in mind with the notion of “change.”  He has kept his promise to move past stale debates, however, by allowing debates to take place that are so ripe they bring the word “bananas” to mind.

2. Will there be another Joe with actual Joementum?

How the crowd reacts to a presidential address to Congress is a key factor.  Who stands, who sits, who dances in the aisles, who chokes on their own vomit, is all part of politics as theater.  South Carolina is already all full up on loonies this week, so we don’t hold hopes that anyone will interrupt Obama’s speech.  But then again, after rep Joe Wilson’s campaign coffers were flooded with donations due to his previous “You Lie!” moment, we fully believe it’s entirely possible for him to take the opportunity announce his own presidential candidacy in the offshoot F.L.U.F.F. party, or the party of “Flagrantly Little Understanding of Factual Facts.”

3. Will he say anything about healthcare?
Scott Brown’s election to the Senate didn’t just bring up the reminder of STDs with his nude “Cosmopolitan” pictorial surfacing; it also threw a legislative monkey wrench into a majority that doesn’t understand how to wield a big stick.  Both the Senate and the House have passed the reform bill, but in order to pass it into law the gloves must come off. Meanwhile, we can fully expect to be overloaded with information regarding issues that only have a connection to healthcare in as much as that they will cause our asses to explode due to smoke inhalation. 

4. What will the sound-bite be that we can’t escape from tomorrow?
Do you remember what any sitting U.S. president proposed during a State of the Union address with the exception of one of making up an “Axis of Evil” that we could kick the asses of in real life, in video games and after manufacturing those conflicts, could name our 4th of July fireworks after?  We think not.  So just expect catch words like “hope” and “change” to be reintroduced as maybe “faith” and “transformation.” 

5. Can he offer any economic hope?
Unemployment is approaching 10% and is even higher in some states where the economy was reliant on planned obsolescence.  The White House indicates it plans to focus on three initiatives: tax cuts for families that don’t own their own zip-code (as previously reported), a freeze on spending you didn’t even know was taking place (which was negligible compared to say, the tab for taking over the known universe), and a new proposal to regulate banks based upon the size of the private island the CEOs have purchased with their yearly bonuses.  Better check under those couch cushions for change again!

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