Exclusive! Cactus Demands Public Apology From Lohan

Los Angeles – A variegated Agave Cactus has come out publicly to slam stumbling starlet Lindsay Lohan. The succulent has already hired famed attorney for publicly wronged 15-minutes of fame-whores, Gloria Allred, and is issuing his statement through her.  At a press conference early this morning she read, “Lindsay Lohan is blaming her F-me stilettos and over zealous paparazzi for her fall into my client on Tuesday night, but has yet to acknowledge my client’s Mother Nature given right to be growing in the ornamental landscape design on that particular patch of imported sand outside of her friend’s home. She has shown no remorse at all over breaking off some large leaves it took my client over 30 years to grow. She just complained about falling into a ‘sharp plant’ while being chased. Well yes, my client is sharp, but he is even pricklier now after this incident. We are not only demanding a public apology from the falling star on his behalf, but be forewarned - if we also see any of Lindsay’s new legging designs featuring strategically placed rips in them in the future, we are going to sue her lyrca pants clean off.”