Zodiac Killer Denies He’s Returning to Work

Probably in San Francisco – Astronomer Parke Kunkle announced this week that tens of thousands of Zodiac symbol tramp stamps may be in error, as he is insisting there is a 13th Zodiac sign: Ophiuchus.  Kunkle said the change in the calendar, from 12 to 13 signs, is due to the Earth shifting its position since the practice of astrology began, some 3000 years ago.

The news of everyone’s identity being revised with new astrological signs has not only led many people back to the tattoo parlor, but it has also left some others very curious about whether the infamous “Zodiac” killer will now be forced to come out of retirement.

Speaking from an undisclosed location the alleged killer told Unsolicited Drivel, “I never considered coming out of retirement.  I retired from both my extracurricular activities and my real job in the 70s, and because I retired in the 70s, I’m actually able to collect my pension.  I think the police are busy enough these days as it is hunting down crazies with all of the government cuts to funding for mental health programs.   Besides, you people seem to forget that I never called myself ‘Zodiac’ based upon the astrological signs.  The name came from my favorite brand of watch and one model in particular – the one with the cross hairs on the face.  Very similar to the cross hairs that incompetent right wing political kooks feature on their PAC web pages these days.”