Product Placement Prompts Bond Name Change to 007-Up

London – No, that wasn’t super-spy James Bond you saw moonlighting by overseeing security at the royal wedding last weekend due to lack of funds for his movie's production.  And after a long absence, it seems cinema’s favorite secret agent is headed back to the silver screen as a brand ambassador for nearly every advertiser’s product that can be placed!

It has been reported that MGM and Sony will secure enough product placement to finance almost the entire new Bond film, shattering the previous record of being the biggest sell-out in Hollywood held by the Tom Cruise film* “Minority Report.”

A studio insider told us, “We have a draft of a new script about mail-order brides, ‘From Russia C.O.D.,’ that we hope will re-spark interest in the franchise by our recycling an old title. We’ve already Tweeted to Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher to make sure they know it’s a work of fiction so they don’t send us one of their ineffective PSAs against sex-slavery to watch. But the product placement was key to our getting the go ahead from the studio, and it’s really a no-brainer because James Bond is known for having finer tastes. And speaking of fine tastes, have you tasted the new and improved 7Up™ yet? It’s crisp and delicious and mixes great with vodka by the way. So expect James to give up his traditional Martini and switch to the lemon-lime soda with vodka, because he’s now known as ‘007up.’ But since we don’t want to disappoint fans that are accustomed to Bond drinking a Martini, he’ll mix the 7Up™ with Three Olives™ brand vodka.  Sure, we could just write a more interesting, less incomprehensible script to attract financing, but this seems a much easier way to go.  Oh, and you’ll also see evidence of James finally practicing safe sex, as the deal from Trojans™ was too good to turn down.”

*Because Speilberg wouldn’t feature a Church of Scientology logo visible throughout the picture.