Alexis Stewart’s Book is Just Fine by Martha

Westport, CT – Martha Stewart is insisting that the notion she is offended by daughter Alexis’ new book, "Whateverland: Learning to Live Here," is nonsense.  It’s poppycock.  And it may even be balderdash.

The domestic diva told Unsolicited Drivel exclusively, “I read it, and I thought it was a jovial page-turner.  My friends were afraid to call me about how I am depicted in the book, or about the time I turned the lights off and refused to answer the door on Halloween.  The only reason I did that was because I had contracted bird flu that year while handling contaminated quail to roast them with sage butter and caramelized figs.  Everyone knows that when I am in optimum health, I enjoy All Hallows Eve more than a drag queen in Key West.  And I never held a hot glue gun to Alexis’ head.  Heavens sake!  They weren’t even invented back when she was little. People must not realize how old she really is.  But I may have waved a staple gun around from time to time, or perhaps some floral tack pins, but that’s neither here nor there.  And I absolutely never urinated with the bathroom door open as she implied, as I would never want anyone to see me wrinkling my crepe vicuña wool slacks while sitting down on my custom designed Italian marble commode.  Alexis is a comic.  She just wants to make people laugh and show them she got her funny bone by being incredibly bitter and cynical. I know I find her to be an absolute riot.”