Happy Cyber Monday Shopping!

The Monday after the traditional “Black Friday” shopping day is now known as “Cyber Monday” and millions of Christmas shoppers are taking to the web more and more each year to purchase things they don’t need only to make people like them to avoid getting their craniums crushed over a Let’s Rock Elmo or to avoid or some crazy X-box-grabbing-pepper-spraying-bitch who forgot she shouldn’t have mixed Tryptophan with her Zoloft.

Due to an extreme phobia of not wanting to be in a mall with other shoppers unless there is going to be some guarantee that they’ll fall into a fountain with more germs than a Petri dish while texting and will later develop Staph, we at Unsolicited Drivel are very likely to do most of our shopping this year today on the web, just like many a hung-over employee on company time.


There are lots of great advantages to shopping online too:

- You don't have to get your ass out of the house. Unless you have one of those jobs to we mentioned above – which you probably created yourself if you did. Are you a tech genius or something? Good for you!

- Avoidance of nightmarish, stroke-inducing holiday traffic should always be a no-brainer if you intend to get to your next nightmarish, potentially stroke-inducing holiday.

- The one click Amazon shopping saves so much time that you can fill the rest of Cyber Monday reading reviews written by crackpots on their site. That fun-filled activity can help wipe away the memory of the crackpots you were forced to sit with last Thursday at anywhere from 1-3 turkey dinners before your colon nearly exploded even before the pie.

- You can get things online that you would never even imagine you could! And there’s even stuff that children in China weren’t harmed making so they’ll end up looking more like a koi than a boy as they age. We’re not just taking about hand-knitted hats that will make you look like a rabid reindeer from sites like Etsy to wear to embarrass your friends at Christmas parties either. Believe it or not, you can get things online that would require clandestine travel and bribery to get in life. And you thought bribery was just for politicians! Yes, we’re talking cute Ukranian brides!! Won’t one look nice under your brother’s tree this year? The brother who still lives in the basement?


Of course, as there are ups there are always downs. Some of the downsides to online shopping may include:

- Inability to get Ukranian bride to go back into her crate and head home to the eastern bloc after brother dear makes her sit through the first Lord of the Rings marathon and/or Dungeons and Dragons game.

- One’s ass gets bigger with every day spent online ordering.

- One click Amazon shopping makes it possible to accidentally order a copy of Showgirls: The Director’s Cut DVD when one’s the intent was just reaching for the wine glass.

- You may need to pay for a post office box to avoid children getting packages at house, thus necessitating a trip out of the house into the nightmarish stroke-inducing holiday traffic and an interaction with postal employees that will stare at you as if you have gills on the side of your head while touting their ‘Forever’ stamps in a monotone.