Donald Trump’s Kids Stage a STFU Intervention

You're Fiwed!

New Yawk, NY – Donald Trump’s three eldest children from his first marriage to Ivana, Donald Jr., Ivanka, and that other one (Eric?) have reportedly staged an intervention with their loud-mouthed father beseeching him to shut the f*ck up already or they will no longer be able to put their storied family name on shabbily built skyscrapers they will have to rob Peter to pay Paul to build.

We talked to that one older kid who was unfortunate enough to inherit Donald’s looks and it turns out it was Eric Trump.  He told us, “Between dad's birther bender and his latest false ‘October Surprise’ where he offered $5 million to a charity if President Obama would show his passport and college transcripts, it was getting to be too much for us to stomach even though we are all media whores.  We even had to start mixing Maalox into our Bombay Sapphire martinis!  We tried to get Joan Rivers, possibly the most ruthless, bad-ass winner of ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ to run the intervention and if it didn’t go well, bitch-slap dad in the head with one of her QVC necklaces that looks like it’s made of moon rocks. Unfortunately, she was too busy deciding who was a ‘fash-hole’ on her E! TV show 'Fashion Police' this week.  So we had to do it ourselves.  We told him to stop criticizing the president, just let him do his job…at least until ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ is cancelled and stick to what our dad does best…dying his skin to look like and Oompa Loompa in a Brooks Brothers suit, trying to give his arch nemesis Rosie O’Donnell a heart attack and pursing his lame brain idea to make the Statue of Liberty go condo* so he can rename it Trump Liberty Tower.”

*We don't welcome immigrants anymore, so why the hell not?