Wal-Mart Has Plan to Be Less Trample-to-Deathy This Black Friday

Die better...

Arkansas - The country's leading market manipulating retailer, Wal-Mart, announced a plan this week to make their stores less likely to have people trampled to death this coming "Black Friday."

Unsolicited Drivel tried to get the plan straight from the horse's mouth, Walton family heiress Alice, but she was too busy driving her luxury car shit-faced into trees.  So, we settled for hearing from a company spokesperson who told us:

"While we were between strongarming our vendors so we can totally manipulate the marketplace this week and locking employees in the break room until they agreed to work overtime off the clock, we came up with this idea to start Black Friday a day earlier.  We wanted to start it this Friday, but we are still trying to unload leftover crap from Halloween.  Anyway, we figured if we start it Thanksgiving evening, Americans who can't wait to buy the various electronics, games, etc., to keep them from having quality time with their families will be tripped out on tryptophan after eating turkey and behave less like total assholes.  As much as we like to collect on the life insurance policies we take out on those senior citizens we hire as greeters, it's still not pleasant to see someone's Grand-pappy as a stain on the linoleum."