Thursday, March 7, 2013

Rand Paul Makes Senate go Without a Stiff Drink for Over 12 Whole Hours

Please don't kill me...
Washington DC – Senator Rand Paul, R. – KY did what no U.S. Senator has done in a long time – keep DC lawmakers away from Happy Hour by starting a filibuster.

The longest record for filibustering came from Senator Stromm (I hate all ‘a you darkies ‘cept my secret love child. Why don’t you run along now, boy?) Thurmond, at 24 hours and 18 minutes rambling about the south rising again into a “machine,” or microphone.

Paul was speaking on the nomination of John Brennan as director of the Central Intelligence Agency and opposing Obama’s newest plan to spy on Americans by sneaking tiny heat proof microphones onto the lids of their lattes. If they say anything suspicious, a camera will be inserted onto the latte lid and if they have olive skin and a dark, shaggy, beard and seem like your run-of-the-mill "non-combatant," they’ll get a visit from “Dronefeld.” That’s the killer government machine’s codename.  The CIA are getting their training as Baristas as we write this.  Paul spoke from the Libertarian view of civil liberties, i.e., "the government shouldn’t be able spy on me when I’m planning my own murder-by-assumption."  Just before some of the Senators' DTs kicked in, Paul suddenly concluded he had to take a poo, ended the filibuster for the Senate, and proudly walked to the marbled, gilt-tinged bathroom and fantasized about producing “clean” some coal.

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