WHAT IN THE SAM HELL? THE FUNERAL OF J.R. EWING ON DALLAS

Miss Ellie would NOT approve. Even though she kicked me to the curb.

I don’t even need to say spoiler alert for Dallas fans because you already know some irony-loving-f•cktard in the writers’ room decided to shoot the old “junkyard dog.”

Open scene.  Isn’t it cool how rich people can pilot their own choppers? Of course, Bobby is piloting.  That makes me think of Bobby Kennedy, which makes me think of John Joh…. uh, oh. Anyway, on to identify the body of the most villainous of TV villains ever…J.R. Ewing.

Open with a “Taps” version of the theme song.  Nice…I GUESS…until…

Badass Pilar who used to be a drug lord on Weeds is now a police Sergeant and trying to convince the Ewings that J.R. died in a random burglary – IN A MEXICAN FLOP HOUSE. Pilar still has the forcefulness of a drug lord, but they don’t believe her anyway and leave everything to the hands of  a mysterious old Mexican man whom we’ve not likely seen before. But we COULD HAVE. How, how could J.R. have gotten mixed up with an evil cartel?  How could he have NOT?

Annie-Not-Pam’s daughter has shown up and likes riding bareback – that is without parental supervision from her daddy Harris.  Whatever the equestrian daughter’s name is, she likes benzos and she ain’t afraid to share them with John Ross.

Don’t worry, as per usual, BOBBY WILL HANDLE EVERYTHING. And, look constipated while he’s doing it.

Okay, WHY does a man of J.R. Ewing’s stature have a bedroom decorated like it’s in a nursing home? I thought they sprung him? Plus, Sue Ellen later sleeps there and probably got off thinking about Gary while thinking about J.R. wanting to get off thinking about her. And WHY does Sue Ellen look younger than she did when the show started over 30 years ago?

At the wake Ancient Ray and Loose Lucy were there. We find out J.R. had his own bizarre franchise of the “Real Housewives of Dallas” who are down right spooky.  Sue Ellen is tempted to drink!  NO! THAT CAN’T BEEEE!!!!!!! Dark haired geologist girl (Elena?) tries to make all the boys feel better about themselves. Pam Barnes girl misfires trying to make nice. Cliff Barnes comes mentally unhinged.  John Ross tries benzos via horse girl.  Fight club.  John Ross and Christopher fake bond.

Bobby gets mad at Not-Pam-Annie, or Pannie as we will now refer to her, for being a selfish, 12-guage wielding c*nt. Finally.

A lot of symbolism revolving around J.R.'s bourbon decanter.  TNT - that's drama.

Then, one boring, Miss Ellie f*cking funeral is all I can say. Firstly,  let me start with the flowers. Why didn’t you just use tumbleweeds, Dallas crew?  I mean, really.

Eulogies:

Ray: I suck.

Lucy: You were an honest bad ass, Uncle J.R.!

Gary: I'm still a mess.

Elena: J.R. scared me into achievement.

Christopher: ZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Sue Ellen:  J.R. still wanted to bang me and I’m so hungover I’ve convinced myself I’m still Miss Texas.

Bobby:  J.R. was great – at pointing out how ordinary I am.
 
John Ross:  I’ll git whoevah did dis to ya Daddy! Tip to tail!!! Yessum!!

Then we find out J.R. is still more interesting than all of them put together and he's still dead.

LAME TNT, LAME. You owed Larry Hagman MUCH better than that.  Least I reckon so.