America!?!? KEEP CALM!!!

Cynical Lizard on the 1st Government Shutdown in 15 Years...

Rep. Barney Frank Will NOT Eat Popcorn and Watch “House of Cards” With You

NOT in Barney's queue!

Washington, DC - The accolades keep pouring in for the first original series by Netflix, House of Cards, but one former U.S. Congressional Representative, Barney Frank (D.,- MA) will not be watching it with you.  Even before the acclaimed series won numerous Emmy nominations, Frank admitted that he only “hate watched” it. Maybe he’s into self-loathing? He stayed in Washington trying make things work  a very long time so our best guess would be: YES.

Frank is rumored to allegedly have said of the series, “It’s not because Kevin Spacey makes my skin crawl. He does and does it very well. And Robin Wright’s character’s fashion sense is to die for!  It just doesn’t depict the way we do business in Washington. Prepare all the currently trendy snacks you want for the House of Cards binge-viewing party. You still won't get my vote.”

We checked in for comment on Frank’s disdain for House of Cards with our resident political analyst.  She told us, “I agree with Rep. Frank. That is not how they do business in DC. Firstly, I can’t imagine a Congressman sleeping with anyone other than a high-class hooker. NEVER a roving reporter who lives with cockroaches because of crippling student loan debt. Secondly, I think we only saw maybe one lobbyist during the entire first season. Usually the reps have to have the pockets on their trousers altered so the K Street parasites can physically massage their ball sacks. And thirdly, they somehow actually got some bills passed in the House. Has that even happened if it didn’t involve screwing women out of their rights, figuratively, or the poor since 2009? Or just voting to repeal bills that have already passed?  If so, I must have missed it.”

Explosive Report Reveals How The Government Sequester Will Kill You

Victim of Sequester the Molester

London – A paper outside of America that none of us will ever read just published an explosive expose on the hidden costs of our government sequester and suggested that 98% of Americans should just bend over and kiss their “arses” (limey spelling) goodbye. So basically get your ASS to the bank or wherever and ask for what’s called “power of attorney” so you can have someone decide who will get your leftover catheters, your Nascar memorabilia, including your autograph from Dale Earnhardt, SENIOR, your pointed hood, gun collection, your “Don’t Tread on Me” flag, your secret homemade interracial porn video, your hair extensions, your “Bump it,"  fake fingernails, your trucker hat collection and any tickets you bought to the upcoming Monster truck rally should you suddenly perish.

Unsolicited Drivel caught up with the reporter, Nigel Hogthorne from The Watcher, U.K. for the Cliff Notes version of the explosive report.  He told us, “Well I do say madam that you people are how you say?  Up shite’s creek without a paddle due to the current crop of politicians some of you rubes voted into office. There will be cuts to programs like Meals on Wheels for your seniors, for some of whom that is their only food source, people will be turned away for housing, which I assume will be really awkward for those in the southern states when they go to pitch a tent on someone’s lawn they may or may not have burned a cross on after one to eight too many beers. People will be refused cancer treatment. You're pretty much all going to die. Sorry. Now Britain can rise again!  Jolly good!! Anyhow, the reason you Americans didn’t notice all of the cuts is because your silly arses go into a blind rage as soon as you hear the words ‘cuts to defense spending.’ Basically, the only Americans whose lives will not change will be the millionaires, billionaires, and the Appalachian hill people and the swamp people of Louisiana because they live off the grid anyway.  And speaking of grids, power grids, enjoyed any good blackouts lately?   I must say your politicians have planned this very poorly. My only question is this. If they kill off the lower classes, who will pour their 12-year old scotch?”

Cynical Lizard on Rep. Bachmann's Retirement

Area Man Gives Up on America Ever Electing a "Regular Dude"

Baltimore, MD – An area man expressed disgust today because he believed that he’d was unlikely to ever see a “regular dude” or "dudette" elected to U.S. government in his natural lifetime.

Kevin White told Unsolicited Drivel, “It seems like in order to run for office these days you absolutely have to be a millionaire and typically, be a total dick in bed with a corporation or special interest group. Plus you have to stick to the core principles of divisiveness, ignoring the voters' needs who put you in office, spending taxpayer dollars on lavish vacations and not cooperating with anyone so you can successfully kill poor people.  Have they sand-blasted that message about the tired and poor off the Statue of Liberty yet?  There must be someone in Congress in bed with an industrial smoothing corporation. Maybe Michele Bachmann? She hardly has any wrinkles for her age.  And so much for their family values! Quite frankly, it’s getting to the point where I just will vote the less Richie Rich candidate I am confident won’t be showing me their junk on the Internet or getting caught with a rent-boy. At least that's my hope for change.”

Sequester 2013 Explained!

There they go again...

Washington, DC – The American government has become expert at least one thing; rebranding the deficit crisis so the rest of us don’t know what the HELL they are talking about.  This time their boutique-marketing agency decided to call the budget cut negotiations a “sequester” because the idea of America going off a “fiscal cliff” gave too many people fantasies about Karl Rove and Grover Norquist in an old convertible sailing off the Arizona Red Rocks while holding hands. So as of this writing, it appears that they will sequester tomorrow and Unsolicited Drivel readers want to know WHY?!?  So, we’ve provided this handy diagram for just you!

Our Guvmint at work....

Checking On the Popularity of Our U.S. Congress

No contest, Mr. Speaker!

Washington, DC - Well, it's back to work for the ladies and germs in our United States Congress after no doubt having a much more fiscally comfortable Christmas Holiday than the other 98%.  Reports suggest that this has been the worst Congress in our lifetimes.  Maybe in more than one lifetime.  Definitely - EVER.  Unsolicited Drivel spent the money we were saving for a bag of magic beans to have a year-end poll conducted for our readers on the current popularity rating of our politicians among real Americans: