Jihad Jane Dismissed by Al Qaeda for Not Being Scuzzy Enough

Washington – The curious case of Colleen R. LaRose, a.k.a. “Jihad Jane” and “Fatima Rose” to her FaceBook friends, raises serious questions about terrorist group Al Qaeda’s supposed efforts to thwart sexism rumors and recruit U.S. born women to their cause.  LaRose has been doing her best to wage violent jihad in South Asia and Europe via text message, but has failed to win Al Qaeda’s favor.  There are some who say that not only is their dismissal of her potential as a budding jihadist sexist, it’s also “lookist.” Muhammad Al-Hiri-El-Shamroksheik, an official high up in the organization, speaking from his cave, confirmed for us that the blond-haired, blue-eyed woman with the look of a rapidly aging cheerleader on meth did not fit Al Qaeda’s required look of someone who would feel entitled to declare jihads regularly on fuzzy videotapes.  He added, “she thinks she has the advantage as she can blend in with many people, especially with that robe it looks like she bought on QVC, but she is not tall enough to look like a yeti draped in a bed sheet, so she can never be a leader of our group, and isn’t that what all American women want - to take what is rightfully the man’s?  She will never have enough back hair to braid or shear and sell to be woven into a sweater, even with hormone treatments, nor does she have the prerequisite uni-brow required to be a high-ranking officer either. We cannot take her seriously at this time.  Maybe if she stops brushing and washing her hair and a family of mice move in to nest in it?  Yes, that might work. Wait, no it won't, as we would never see it as it goes against Allah to her take off her head scarf!”  Some jihadologists believe that Al Qaeda is missing out on a serious opportunity for a whole new brand of terrorist activity - two to three days per month - at 28-day intervals.