Pre-Pre-Pre St. Patrick’s Day Celebration Goes Horribly Awry

Brooklyn, NY – Erin-go-blah? Several friends who found themselves in a bar at lunch time on the first day of March, already ready for St. Patrick’s Day, came to an unfortunate conclusion that would deeply affect their desire to celebrate on the 17th: they were too depressed by the time they left to even fantasize about puking up green beer! As it turned out, in keeping with milking the spirit of a holiday until the cow was all but freeze-dried, Mickey O’Monnessey’s Irish Pub and Tattoo Emporium decided to start playing Irish music for their patrons as soon as possible. The problem arose when the coked-up management let that manic-depressive bastard Sous Chef pick out the music CD from the convenience store counter on his way in this morning. The hostess complained, “that gas station Irish music Jose picked was more depressing than an unmoving mist across the bonny glens of Glenbadden Dunhadden. Nobody even cared if his or her Guinness bubbles floated, or sank like a Blarney stone. One customer even threatened to club himself with a Shillelagh if we didn’t quick put on the River Dance.”