Good Help is Hard to Find: Lohan Assistant Quits!

Los Angeles – Lindsay Lohan is having another effed up week.  Can you imagine?  First her SCRAM alcohol monitoring ankle bracelet went off after the MTV Movie Awards, prompting an arrest warrant to be issued and now it is being reported that her assistant has quit.

Why she needs an assistant when she has no work we can't quite figure out (Maybe to keep her hair color appointments?), but supposedly, Lindsay’s assistant, Elinor, has wanted to quit her skinny ass for months now, but felt too guilty about leaving the “actress” when her life was so stressful (translation: with her not being in rehab).  Sources say Lindsay’s behavior just became too crazy to handle and Elinore quit on Wednesday.

In search of the real story, we asked another person in Lindsay’s employ (the guy who washes white powder out of her shoes) for his take and he told us, “after months on end of Lindsay’s moods changing like the wind, she just got fed up.  The straw that broke the camel’s back came this week.  After Lindsay’s mom claimed the SCRAM bracelet went off because someone spilled a drink on Lindsay’s ankle, that excuse was quickly debunked.  The SCRAM people insisted that would cause such a sudden spike in the monitoring that it would not register the same way as someone’s gradual consumption of alcohol would.  Also, because the device monitors body temperature, Lindsay couldn’t slip a tube sock under it to throw off the reading.  So, her latest solution was for Elinor to hide under the table with her hand slipped under the anklet in place of Lindsay’s skin while Lindsay pounded Svedka.  Then, when Elinor heard Lindsay might appear on ‘Celebrity Apprentice,’ she got a real sense of dread about having to hide under Donald Trump’s conference table and having to avoid looking at his boner that he probably got from thinking about himself. It was all just too much, so she immediately gave her resignation.”