Party Like a Rock Star

Just last week, we reported that scientists had been wasting money on diagnosing a fictional character, Darth Vader, with bi-polar disorder and now they may really be getting out of their element.

Researchers are currently mapping out the genetic code of former Black Sabbath front man Ozzy Osbourne to see why he’s still alive.   Ozzy has called himself a  "medical miracle" at 61 after surviving a 40-year drug and alcohol bender and breaking his neck in a bike accident riding away from wife Sharon in 2003. 

As Osbourne will be one of very few people in the entire world to have his genome analyzed, we wanted further explanation.  A spokesperson for the Massachusetts based company who is conducting the research, Knome, told us, “well, all in all, the research should take about 3 months.  Ozzy has been a very heavy alcohol and prescription drug user for many, many years, yet has not succumbed to an overdose or liver disease.  As long as society continues to become more complicated and stressful, more and more average people will have to party like rock stars to avoid becoming homicidal maniacs and we’d like to help them live a bit longer through their overstressed hell of an existence too.”  When asked why Knome used Osbourne as a test subject instead of the Rolling Stones’ Keith Richards he added, “Keith would be a fine test subject for sure, but with Ozzy’s past tendency to bite heads off of live animals, we could also conduct studies to isolate the gene that avoids rabies.”