Errr-ah…Teddy Kennedy’s Legacy About to Disappear Faster Than a Bottle of Jameson’s at an Irish Wake Thanks to Dimwit Dems
One time snowball’s chance in hell Republican Senate candidate Scott Brown now holds a narrow, but being a Republican, significant single digit point lead over Attorney General Martha Coakley’s Democratic candidacy as the election looms tomorrow.
A Republican insider reported, “Brown got the nomination because we thought it was a lost cause. In fact, we just picked his name out of a hat. We thought about having candidates guess how many beans (Boston baked) were in a jar, but had already laid off the bean counters due to budget shortfalls. We had no way of knowing how badly Obama and Senate Democrats would screw up healthcare reform by wanting to force Americans to buy private insurance or be fined. If we had, we probably wouldn’t have chosen a guy who insinuates his opponent is sympathetic to baby rapists."
Tea Leaves Circling The Drain? Palin Uses Crib Notes for $100k Speech
Don’t know about how you all feel, but if we were one of the organizers behind the grass roots Tea Party movement, and paid our keynote speaker $100,000, we would expect her to spend the money on a memory chip implanted in her brain before using a Sharpie to scroll key words that you would have to be a retard not to remember. YES, WE SAID IT!!!!!!** Retard. And the only reason we said it is because she refuses to rebuke Rush Limbaugh on his hateful use of the word - despite her having a child with Downs Syndrome. For those of you who have never worked in advertising, this is all because of what we call “branding.” Yes, Rush can ruin the Sarah Brand™. He can do it faster than he can inhale a chili dog. How can these Tea Baggers think this woman can lead them when she can’t even stand up for her own family?
So, as we have not been able to successfully convince anyone thus far that her true off-shoot party should be the “Tinfoil Hat Party,” we’d like to toss out a new suggestion – Sarah can lead the “Retard Party,” as clearly, she no longer thinks the word is offensive. She can pronounce it like Zach Galifianakis did in “The Hangover,” as to not offend the mentally disabled and those who are unfortunate enough to be her spawn even further.
**Please note: the author of this article was a frequent babysitter for a Downs Syndrome child and means no disrespect to their mental disabilities. The author does, however, have some regret at including the notion that the mentally disabled would not take offense at being compared to politicians. My bad.
This Week in Political Foolishness: Newt Shows the Understanding of a SalamanderNewt Gingrich showed about as much understanding of the Constitution this week on both “The Daily Show with John Stewart,” and on his Twitter page as the slimy critter he’s named after…or, maybe not even that much. And here we thought he wouldn’t be able to top himself after calling Justice Sonia Sotomayor a racist for referring to herself as a "a wise Latina woman."
In an appearance this week with Stewart, Gingrich clearly labeled the shoe bomber Richard Reid as an American, indicating his entitlement to protection under Miranda, but stated that an obvious terrorist, like the bikini brief bomber Umar Abdulmutallab, was not. Okay, so the underwear guy is entitled to be tortured, but the shoe guy was not? Talk about a fashion statement! Unfortunately for Newt, as we are not living in Medieval times (2004), everyone suspected of terrorism be they American, or a non-citizen, is entitled to be read Miranda before “custodial interrogation” by law enforcement. In fact, they always were. Reid was a British citizen and Gingrich is now trying to explain his gaffe by claiming he had him mixed up with Jose Padilla, an American citizen.
British or American, we are guessing that these terrorists all look the same to Newt; hence, his confusion. Until he can get his head straight, may we suggest that he stick to doing what he does best: being a draft dodging, adulterous, deadbeat dad, check-bouncing, corporate-owned shill?
The next time we have any questions about the Constitution, maybe we’ll just stop at our local pet shop and see what the amphibians can tell us.
On April 15th, 2010, unbeknownst to them, I infiltrated the Tea Party at their Tax Day rally. I nearly had to be hospitalized afterward for the strain of not being able to bust a gut.
Click here for a link to that post and my slideshow.
This week in irony, watchdogs for the Tea Party from Americans for Tax Reform (translation: Americans who want to pay NO taxes whatsoever, EVER, and would live in a shack to get away from the government if it had Fox News on cable), have slammed President Obama for using the term, “tea-baggers.” The group claims that unlike when they use the term themselves, the term coming out of the President’s mouth is the equivalent to the “n” word.
Hmmmmmn. Last time we checked, the “n” word was a racial slur and “tea bagger,” could only be construed as a sexist slur. This leaves us all kinds of confused, so we asked a Tea Party member to explain.
UD: You claim that President Obama’s use of the word “tea-bagger” is the equivalent to a reviled racial slur when it’s really a sexist slur. Does this mean that the Tea Party now welcomes blacks as well as gays?
John Q. Tea Partier: Uh………….
UD: I’ll take that as a yes, and it’s good news for Americans who believe in equality and tolerance – two moral principles upon which this great land was founded. It really makes me feel great that you’ve had this turn around, as I didn’t see any blacks or women wearing sensible shoes at your April 15th rally. I’m sure you must be pleased to have adopted this new attitude that will bring more diversity to your party.
John Q. Tea Partier: Uh………….
UD: And while we are on the subject of euphemisms that you folks don’t bother to check on before having the RNC print up your witty literature, do you know the slang definition of “drill?”
John Q. Tea Partier: Uh………….
UD: Well, it can have possibly even more negative connotations now since the BP disaster on April 20th, so you really should rethink having your poster-child shrieking harpy Sarah shouting it out for all the people who don’t read the newspaper to hear at your rallies.
John Q. Tea Partier: Uh………….
UD: Nice talking to you. Care to join me for a Corona for Cinco de Mayo?
John Q. Tea Partier: NO THANK YOU.
Tea Party Darling Beats Dumb Cluck
Lowden, formerly the front runner to go up against Democratic Senator Harry Reid in November, is probably feeling like she just choked on a chicken bone this morning, when in reality, voters thought she was a bonehead for suggesting bartering for health care with chickens.
We asked a GOP strategist why the Tea Party's Angle was able to upset Lowden by a 14 point spread and he told us, “well, as we don’t have any real solutions to our country’s problems, we’ve become the ‘Party of No,’ and nobody votes 'Nay' on issues that could be considered a slam dunk for voting 'Yay' more often than Sharron Angle, as she has proved time and again in the Nevada state assembly. She’s also in favor of abolishing the EPA, the Department of Energy and even the Department of Education, which means we could someday just go ahead let big oil run our schools. I must say that we are a little on the fence about her idea about bringing back prohibition. However, her conservative Christian views and desire to repeal Obamacare could definitely garner the votes from the Snake-handling branches within our party.”
E-vote Early and Often
We held a séance and asked the Spectre of Dead President Richard M. Nixon what he thought of all of this and he said "Oooooohh" and "Aaaaah" so we stopped that séance and instead called Karl Rove, known living dirty trickster who told UD "Well, I think the Democrats should give their nominee a chance to ah, run, um, against the Republican Jim DeMint, yeah, that's right, I had absolutely nuttin' to do wid it!"
Rand Paul Okay With Mountains Blowing Their Tops
In an upcoming August profile in Corrupt Bastard Monthly, Paul discusses the environmental benefits of the mining, as opposed to the environmental hazards, and insists the practice just needs a little “re-branding.”
He told them, “I believe that blowing the tops off of Appalachia’s mountains is actually a net positive. It restores jobs that are lost because of unchecked safety violations for mining companies underground, and creates an exciting new environment. I would even go so far as to say the land becomes enhanced. Mountain climbers would no longer have to worry about falling into the valleys as they will been filled up with waste from the excavation, and the leveled surfaces of the former tops will have the texture of the face of the moon and we could build moonwalk themed parks on them. The holes would already be present for our golf balls on the new courses. How cool is that?”
In regard to the toxic run-off from the coal mining poisoning the water supply, Paul had no on the record remark, but was rumored to have been overheard snidely remarking something like, "with all of the inbreeding going on the region, how would anyone ever notice?"
We asked an environmental activist to comment on Paul’s remarks and he told us, “Robert Kennedy, Jr. has described Mountain top mining as the greatest environmental threat we have facing America today, but Paul’s okay with it? WTF?? I mean the information on the hazards is everywhere! Maybe Paul is just hoping for any opportunity to see fellow Kentuckian Ashley Judd protesting about it topless.”
Steele Won’t Mess Up Country’s Chance to Go in Reverse
We spoke with one Republican strategist, who (as usual) we will refer to as Rarl Kove, and he told us, “well, there’s really no time for him to screw up worse than he already has. It’s not going to become more glaringly evident in the next eleven weeks that Steele has failed to raise money, or even managed to articulate what our message is: we like our money, we don’t like anyone who’s not like us and we’ll invade your ass (and take kickbacks from defense contractors) if you choose not to be like us. Steele probably was never the best spokesperson for that. I’d even go so far as to say that Michael Steele has been the Republican Party’s New Coke.”
Governor Admits "Headless Bodies Story" in Error
 |
| Gov. Brewer (pre-make-up) |
"That was an error, if I said that," she said. When shown news reports, blog postings, podcasts, videos, and the homepage of her own website (www.brewersaysgetout.com), she said "look I already admitted it, so leave me alone already. What are you reporters trying to do, humiliate me for my obviously false and inflammatory hate speech? Bigots have rights too ya know!!" Reporters' heads then exploded, ironically confirming her original statements about headless bodies.
Sure to Be a Bestseller!!!
Virginia Thomas: Drunk Dialing Women's History?
Hill, whose accusations (19 f’in years ago) against Clarence Thomas basically created landmark laws regarding sexual harassment in the workplace, was unavailable to take the call as it came to her office, and college professors don’t usually work weekends when they could be out antiquing at a swap meet or at a poetry reading. She told CNN, "I certainly thought the call was inappropriate. I have no intention of apologizing because I testified truthfully about my experience and I stand by that testimony."
We at Unsolicited Drivel have to ask, “What the HELL was Virginia Thomas thinking?” Seriously. Was she DRUNK? We KNOW she’s a coward (typical for a conservative) as she called an empty office, but what did she hope to accomplish? Her husband was confirmed. It’s not Anita Hill’s fault that a deaf mute would make more contributions to the Supreme Court than Clarence Thomas.
The proposal, the first from the GOP’s carefully branded “YouCut” website (“You,” as in you who are wealthy enough to afford computers, not you homeless people who log on at the library who don’t even have radios either), was sponsored by Rep. Doug Lamborn (R-CO) and would have terminated all taxpayer funding for NPR, supposedly saving tens of millions of dollars the GOP could give back to the rich if their Bush tax cut extensions were defeated.
Democrats put the kibosh on the GOP’s latest publicity grab, voting 239-171 to close debate on NPR and move on without voting on the proposal all in an effort to get to the airport for the holidays sooner rather than later to have their genitals groped by security.
In order to make a case for stripping NPR’s federal funding and to stand up for shamed former commentator Juan Williams, House Minority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Va.) stood up on the House floor and said, “Juan Williams has eaten plenty of crow over his remarks about being scared of people dressed like Mohammeds in the airports that we told Americans to be scared of, but we wanted to ensure with the defeat of NPR that at least he’d never have to eat that Turducken they won't stop reporting on again.”
Williams has since moved on to Fox to become a commentator after his dismissal from NPR, where in the future, he will only need to eat whatever line of bullshit propaganda his management team feeds him.
It will be interesting to see what other federally funded items conservative voters log on to defeat on the “YouCut” website in the future. However, it’s safe to say that they won’t be voting to cut Bristol Palin from Dancing with the Stars.
New 'n Improved Terror Alert Chart
After the Republicans reclaimed the House in the mid-term elections, we took it upon ourselves to revamp the terror alert chart back to the way it was (in reality) during the Bush years.
Speaking of terror....
Is Wikileaks the New Al Quaeda?
Just prior to Wikileaks' huge classified U.S. document dump yesterday, Rep. Peter King, the incoming chairman of the House Homeland Security Committee, was insisting that Wikileaks be considered a "foreign terrorist organization" and it’s founder be considered its “ringleader.” King sent a letter to Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Eric Holder stating his view and made it clear that he considered the leaks of the sensitive, but NOT top secret information to be “worse than a military attack.” King also called for founder Julian Assange to be prosecuted under the Espionage Act and that his hair alone be considered an “unlawful combatant.”
King made no mention of the alleged “insensitive” information about other world leaders among the latest leaks, which allegedly included comments like:
“When the f#!k is Karzai going to get a new hat, and has he gotten his paranoia meds straight yet?”
“German chancellor Angela Merkel may be 'Telfon,' to her critics, but she’s still vulnerable under the influence of George W. Bush love rub.”
“Does Moammar Gadhafi's realize that ‘hot blond’ nurse he keeps bragging about banging is really a dude?”
"Did you hear? Kim Jong Il gets his lifts from the same designer that does shoes for Tom Cruise. He may even be holding him captive."
These, among many other insensitive leaks, are the real reason Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and others in the State Department are sending out emergency friend requests on Facebook to foreign leaders today to give them a renewed feeling of security.
Unsolicited Drivel wondered if Congressman King would truly be successful in his “GOP terrorist re-branding campaign," so we asked our usual, unnamed political analyst. He told us:
“Just like those responsible for leaking the Pentagon Papers about the Vietnam War, Wikileaks is protected under the First Amendment, so I don’t believe Assange can be prosecuted as a terrorist. I’m a little surprised at King’s comments, considering the GOP’s huge efforts to stay in power over the last nine years revolved around creating hysteria among Americans every time they see someone who looks like they possibly could be Muslim. Julian Assange is a pasty-looking, white Australian guy. How are narrow-minded, bigoted voters going to easily pick him out in a crowd and fear him due to mob psychology? Plus, this new GOP terror tactic would drive the Christian right crazy, because if Assange’s not a Muslim, they are totally screwed as they certainly aren’t going to burn the Bible and Jesus doesn't punch chads all by himself."
Mike Huckabee Likely GOP Candidate for 2012
Why do we like Mike, you may ask?
Unsolicited Drivel formed this opinion after consulting with our regular, unnamed political analyst this morning over a possible gaffe the former governor made that was caught on video. In regard to the recent WikiLeaks controversy, Huckabee said, "Whoever in our government leaked that information is guilty of treason. I think anything less than execution is too kind a penalty." Hot Damn!
U.D.: "What do you think, about THAT our unnamed political analyst?"
U.P.A.: “Well, I’d have to say that pretty much cemented Huckabee’s chances for the 2012 GOP presidential nomination. As we all know, conservatives like to kill stuff. Sarah Palin has only shown an affinity for killing defenseless creatures, but Huckabee just made it clear that he’s okay with murdering humans over sketchy, tough to prove offenses at best. That puts him in a class with Dick Cheney. The nomination is a done deal.”
"Thanks, U.P.A.!"
Huckabee, currently a host on Fox News, is not the only Fox employee who called for the death the treacherous leaker to WikiLeaks, as Bill O’Reilly voiced a similar sentiment. Unfortunately, as Bill O’Reilly also likes to spend quality time picking fights with cartoon characters, he seems much less like presidential material.
Obama Caves to Cavemen on Tax Cuts
Seeming to fear that he would be clubbed to death by GOP cavemen (despite having a party majority in the Senate), Obama claimed he wanted to put working families first and not allow them to become “collateral damage” in political warfare in Washington. This protective move would include the same working families whose grand children will be paying for two poorly managed wars as a result of - you guessed it - political warfare, and the initial tax cuts proposed to distract America from the aforementioned wars, which have thrown gasoline on the fire of the deficit.
Does anybody still remember the Clinton $200+ billion budget surplus? You know, the economy way back when before we went to war because we were attacked because we ignored a terrorist warning memo, or to avenge a failed hit on our daddy? (We’re talking to YOU, George W. Bush!!)
In an effort not to be clubbed to death by Senate Democrats as well as the GOP, Obama also said he would work to secure a 13-month extension of unemployment benefits, yet the tax credits would extend for a full TWO years.
The president said, "I'm not willing to let our economy slip backwards just as we're pulling ourselves out of this devastating recession."
Unsolicited Drivel spoke with our usual, unnamed political analyst for comment about what we believe to be a very disappointing move on the part of Obama.
U.D.: This is a very frustrating turn of events for America. We don’t know how many reports we have read about the Bush tax cuts being unaffordable at the time they were proposed, and now in a delusion of the possibility for bipartisanship, and even before the GOP is officially in charge, Obama is caving on buying more golf carts for their cronies. And those golf carts won't even be electric hybrids! What gives?
U.P.A.: Perhaps Obama has convinced himself that he’s putting the average American first by offering short-term economic relief. But the way I see it, due to the deficit he inherited from the Bush years, it’s kind of like putting a Band-aid on a severed arm. He can’t seem to grasp that bipartisanship is a myth in Washington either. If he thinks he can really work productively with narrow-minded, wealth-centric Republicans to help the middle class during this critical economic time, I believe he’s more likely to find himself working FOR the Republicans after 2012 – but not as the president – much more likely as their corporate lawyer.
0 comments so far :
Post a Comment