Obama Announces War in Afghanistan to Be the Longest, Least Productive Ever

Washington, DC – President Obama laid out his plans to America Wednesday night to withdraw troops from Afghanistan some time before the next Ice Age* and maybe even as soon as 2014.

He stated, "My fellow Americans, this has been a difficult decade for our country.  Yet tonight, we take comfort in knowing that the tide of war is receding**."

He carefully outlined his timeline for troop withdrawal and reiterated that the U.S. will be “in a position of strength."  (Probably due to the fact Al Qaeda hasn't even been there since about a half hour after we invaded, but we still taught the Afghani people how to surf the web for porn at internet cafes, thus, earning their eternal gratitude.)

The Republicans have convinced both America and their softer, gentler version President Obama that security should be our first concern. So despite the economy tanking during our multitude of wars, who really cares if we haven’t created jobs OUTSIDE of the military? Most people look good wearing earth tones, right?  Well, our readers seem to care, damn it, and here is what they said about it:

“I guess as long as the Afghan men don’t mind dealing heroin to make ends meet and the women don’t mind hiding under rocks to avoid being raped, that’s okay. But it might be kind of nice to start preventing that type of stuff from happening here at home now too.”

“Obama must not concerned be about being re-elected in 2012, if he’s not out of that Hell hole until 2014. Bin Laden wasn’t even there and the Afghani people can’t govern themselves, so I guess all our troops got was a lousy T-shirt. At least in Iraq they got to tear down a big-ass statue and slide down a palace banister.”

“Al Quaeda is laughing all the way to the bank – in Pakistan - with a ‘surge’ themselves in donations to their cause every time the U.S. announces it will stay in a Muslim country. I know, because I hacked their PayPal account to pay my rent.”

“Europe is spending their money on social programs for the welfare of their people, while the U.S. spends money on military programs to make foreign strangers less anti-social, and our people at home are jobless and/or starving. WT quadruple F?”

“I think the important thing to realize here is that Obama is bringing our troops home in plenty of time so that they won’t celebrate Father’s Day with their own kids in person only because they enlist too and go to Afghanistan.”

“We need our troops here to guard our borders to keep Senator John McCain of accusing immigrants from setting fires!”





*Not to be confused with the Stone Age – which they are still living through in Afghanistan, despite our best efforts.
**Just like his approval ratings, but thankfully, for Michelle -  not his hairline.