Horny Country Breathes Sigh of Relief as Santorum Suspends Presidential Campaign

U.S .of A. – Red blooded Americans nationwide who don’t believe that sex should be merely for conception breathed a sigh of relief today when abstinence lover Rick Santorum suspended his GOP presidential campaign. The notorious non-masturbator, birth control hater and not gay sex discharge, was far behind in his delegate count to garner the Republican nomination and was reportedly not looking forward to getting creamed again by 18 points or more in his former home state of Pennsylvania in the primary on April 24^th.

A spokesperson for the Santorum campaign told Unsolicited Drivel, “We are not ending the campaign, we are merely suspending it. That means we can still tie up loose ends.   Translation: use Super Pac money to further our bat-shit right wing agenda with the hope that Mitt will pick Rick as VP when the time comes in Tampa. Newt Gingrich may be all for polygamy, but that’s not Mitt’s brand of Mormonism.   Romney’s never going to appeal to conservatives, so we think Rick, with his thinking that would surely take America back to the 1600s at least and possibly even bring back public flogging, might be a real boost to GOP ticket.  Also, it was getting too warm for sweater vests and those were Rick’s only real appeal to folksy Americans who aren’t busy thumping the Bible instead of humping their wives.”